042 – This Lack of Want

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042 This Lack of WantThere is no pain that compares to this, this lack of want.
 
This undirected path which carves the lonely road.
This uncontrollable fire that chases the void.
This unresolved force that spins like a feral tornado.
This lack of want stings at my flesh.
This undefined desire that screams to the deaf.
This unfocused attention that cries to the mute.
This unyielding ache which haunts every dream.
This lack of want singes at my heart.
This unrelenting hunger that starves the spirit
This unfiltered lust which blinds the way.
This unfaltering feast that gnaws at the stomach
This lack of want bleeds at my soul.

There is no pain that compares to this, this lack of want.

A deadly virus has swept across the nation. An illness so widespread, so viral it attacks our spirit, corrodes our dreams and infects our bodies with a shattering numbness. What is this debilitating disease you ask? I call it a “lack of want” and I know it well.

Almost two years ago this fever attacked me like a wild dog. It set my heart and soul ablaze into an inferno. This is not to be confused with depression of any sort, because more than anything WANTED to find a way through it. Eventually, after many days reading Eckhart Tolle, Iyanla Vanzant and Sarah Ban Breathnach, months consoling with mentors and deep, deep moments of soul excavation with the person who knows me best (me) I could finally articulate the who’s, what’s and why’s that made me feel joyous, free, and abundantly creative. And like the phoenix, I was reborn from the ashes. Best of all, I discovered my irreplaceable and often overwhelming value.

This can be an ardent and treacherous road to recovery so be careful what you pack for your journey and who you invite along. You’ll need some sort of creative release…a journal, a soapbox, a paintbrush, a sturdy sledgehammer. Be sure to stock up. You’ll need trustworthy, brave and resilient friends willing to wipe up the tears and extinguish the flames. Be sure to never take them for granted. Most of all, you’ll need an abundance of self love and equal compassion for those awaiting your return.

When we sever the strings which bind our desires, focus inward and exercise creative expression we give our “wants” life.

This too is a release…this lack of want.